"You're a Busy Lady"

I am often self-conscious when out and about with the twins and my ever-growing belly. Especially because our twins look like they could be nine months apart (our son is at least five pounds heavier than our daughter), I feel like people are looking at me and thinking, "there's a woman who needs to learn about birth control..." It doesn't help that I don't look my age (33)- I've been told I look closer to 23 and often get mistaken for my kids' nanny. I suppose I should look at that as a complement, but for some reason I get defensive when people mistake me for a much younger woman (girl).

I could care less about what most people think, but I do worry that the sight of me and my brood could cause fellow "infertiles" to feel pain, sadness, anger, resentment and a host of other not-so-nice feelings. I've been there, done that-- looked at women out with their children and envied what they had, feeling pity for myself. On one of the online infertility community bulletin boards I frequent, I often see posts "bashing" women perceived as "fertile"- the teenager with three kids, the friend who had an "accidental" or unplanned pregnancy, the co-worker who gets pregnant the first month she and her husband try. I worry one day I'm going to see a post complaining about "that 23-year old woman I saw at My Gym today with her 18-month old twins and third one on the way" on one of the infertility community bulletin boards. I want to wear a shirt that says "No, I'm not a 'fertile,' just lucky" or "It took us six rounds of IVF and over $50,000 to conceive our twins."

Most of the time, I'm left to wonder what people are thinking and hoping that no one is upset by the sight of our growing family. Sometimes, though, people come right out and tell me. Today at the mall, a woman passing by said (in a not-so-friendly tone), "You're a busy woman." I just smiled and nodded. Similar comments I hear frequently are "You certainly have your hands full," "You're working on quite the family there," or even "Better you than me!" When people make these remarks, I immediately get defensive and my response is usually something aimed at proving to them that only extraordinary people have the ability to handle three kids under two years old. I usually say, in an overly cheerful voice, "Yes! It's wonderful, isn't it?!" or "Yes! We are so lucky!" I would love to tell those people who say "Better you than me," "You betcha...I wouldn't want to see you try to deal with three kids!" but I never get up the nerve to do it. I have lots of snarky responses in my head but no chutzpa to use them.

The comments from strangers tend to get to me a lot less than those from friends. One of my closest friends (who also has twins our kids' age) told me that she'd "literally die" if she was in my position. Another friend's response to the announcement that we were expecting again was, "are you crazy?" (gee- thanks- most people say "congratulations.") How am I expected to respond to these questions? My mom always taught me to respond to negative people by "killing them with kindness." So the best I can do is come back with an overly bright-eyed, cheerful version of "we are so lucky!! We can't wait!!" At the very least, it throws people for a loop. And gives me more incentive to prove to everyone that I can be Supermom. No pressure, of course.

Interestingly enough, the most supportive friends I've had are those who have struggled with infertility themselves. Those are the friends who said "congratulations," and "you must feel so lucky." Those are the friends who "get it." I could never- and still cannot- relate to the parents who see their kids as burdens. My sister-in-law HAS to work full-time because she can't imagine spending all day (or I guess any part of the day) with her kids. My friend and neighbor said she has to work or she'd "kill" herself and/or her children if she didn't have time away from them, even though she barely makes enough money to pay for their daycare. I can't imagine ever feeling this way, even now with a third, easily conceived, child on the way. I often wonder if it was infertility that allowed me to avoid the feeling that our children are burdens. I'd have to imagine that there are certainly mothers out there who did not struggle with fertility and who appreciate their children as much as I do, but in my experience it's those mothers who went through infertility who see their kids as blessings, not as curses. If infertility gave me this appreciation of our kids, then I say "thank you, infertility."