DH and I are going away for our first child-free vacation to celebrate our 10-year anniversary. We are going to the same very posh, exclusive resort on a small Carribbean Island that we went to for our honeymoon (when we could afford it a lot more than we can now, with three kids and after spending a crapload of our savings on IVF). Most of my friends are envious and keep saying, "Oh, my gosh- you must be so excited. Are you counting down the days?" Call me crazy, but I'm not. For a number of reasons.
First, I am scared out of my mind to leave our kids. I'm not so much worried about them-- Smiley will be staying with my in-laws, and MIL is a pediatrician. Can't get any safer than that. The twins will be staying with my parents and I know they will be fine. All of our parents are local and live within 7 miles of each other so this isn't a huge deal to split up the kids, and it just made more sense than to leave all three with one set. I am more worried about the fact that DH and I are going to be on an airplane together. As in if anything (G-d forbid) happens, it happens to both of us. I get sick even writing that.
Second, and this may be a totally unnecessary, irrational worry, but I worry that my MIL is going to let my SIL have "alone time" with Smiley while we're away. The thought only came to me after MIL suggested I leave Smiley with SIL while MIL and I take the twins to a doctor's appointment (another long story- MIL the pediatrician wants our twin daughter to see an orthopedic surgeon at her practice because she thinks she's walking funny...) As my previous posts indicate, I will be leaving my children in SIL's care WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER. And not even then. My major concern is SIL's temper-- she frequently loses it with her own children and has been known to scream at them to the point of making them cry, and even handling them roughly when she gets mad (although I would never say she's abusive). She can fly off the handle and be totally irrational. And while I know chances are she wouldn't do that to one of my kids (oh- wait- she already has...), I don't want to take that chance. SIL also has some larger emotional/psychological issues (that I won't get into) that make me not trust her judgment around my children.
So I can totally see MIL bringing Smiley over to SIL's house (she lives a mile away because she can't be without her Mommy) and leaving her there to "play with her cousins." MIL is constantly pushing for the kids to play together and has even gone so far as to do it behind my back (another long story) because she knows that other than Friday night dinners, I am not enthusiastic about everyone getting together. I can tell for a fact that she WILL have our neice and nephew over to play with Smiley at least once a day while we are gone. And I am having a hard time with that but as long as I know that MIL and/or is there supervising, I can live with it. But what I cannot live with is her leaving Smiley with SIL.
Now the question is how do I deal with this? I can't go away and worry the entire time that Smiley has been left with SIL. I don't know if I can leave without saying something to MIL, but how do I tell MIL that I don't trust her daughter with Smiley? Although MIL knows about SIL's issues, it's still her daughter and I think she would be highly offended if I said something. And DH isn't going to be of any help. Against my "speak no evil" rule, last night I brought up this concern- as diplomatically as possible- with him. His response was to ask me if his sister lost her temper with her kids when they were Smiley's age, implying that she only flies off the handle now that they're older. First of all, I do remember her losing her cool when they were younger and were crying inconsolably (she'd shove them off to her mother or husband and tell them to deal with them) or when they did something totally appropriate for a young toddler (her daughter ripped the page in a book by accident and she flipped out). Second, I don't care-- the fact that she flips out and loses her cool bothers me, period. It doesn't matter that she does it because her kids are older or not. He also asked me why I even think that MIL would leave Smiley with SIL. I understand- there's really no reason for her to do so- but I want to cover my basis just in case so that she can't play dumb and say "well I didn't think you'd mind" when we come back.
I asked my sister, who's opinion I really respect, what she'd do in my situation. She said that if I could live with the fact that Smiley might spend some alone time with SIL while we're on vacation, recognizing that in all likelihood nothing would happen or if it did (like SIL yelled or lost her cool), Smiley would never remember and it wouldn't affect her, then I shouldn't say anything. Take a "don't ask, don't tell" approach, recognizing that SIL isn't dangerous and I don't fear for Smiley's physical well being if she was with her. But she said if I was going to worry about it the entire time, I probably need to say something at the risk that it's going to piss MIL off.
So what do I do? Part of me thinks the "don't ask, don't tell" is probably a good approach because I know nothing bad is going to happen to Smiley and the chance is that MIL will be there the entire time anyway. Heck, for all I know, SIL may be out of town that week (she has a big work trip coming up but I haven't felt like asking her when it is). I don't want to make MIL upset. But the other part of me feels like I am the mother and I should be able to tell the person taking care of her that I don't want her left with anyone else while we're gone. And I REALLY don't want SIL spending time alone with her.
DH's lack of support in the matter isn't helping and I feel like it's creating tension between us again, like every time something comes up with his sister (that's why I have stopped saying anything about her to him). I really just don't know what to do.
And in the meantime, I'm still sick with worry about leaving at all. This wasn't my idea. DH is the one who really wanted to go back to where we went for our Honeymoon and bless his heart for being so romantic and splurging on this vacation. I can't crush his heart by saying I don't want to go (plus everything is now non-refundable) so we're going whether I like it or not, but that doesn't mean it's not keeping me awake every night.
I thought vacations were supposed to be relaxing!?!!
Friday, July 11, 2008
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Show and Tell
In an attempt to lighten the mood around here, I thought it would be good to participate in Mel's weekly Show and Tell, and to talk about something that makes me happy (aside from my husband and kids, of course!)
I think I've mentioned it before on this blog, but early last year I decided to train for my first triathlon. I have been running competitively for years and was looking for something to mix it up a bit, and was very excited about getting into triathlons. I had a VERY old bike that my father, a big cyclist himself, had bought me years and years ago, so I was looking to buy a new bike that didn't weigh a million pounds when I got pregnant (let's not even talk about the fact that I got pregnant spontaneously when training vigorously for a triathlon, when during my six rounds of IVF I freaked out about even a light jog on the treadmill). So buying a new bike- and training for a triathlon- went onto the back burner.
I was determined to do that triathlon, so after Smiley was born I signed up again for this year's race. But I still needed that bike, knowing that I can get competitive in these races and I would not be able to be competitive at all on my old, million-pound bike. DH was all for me buying a new bike, but I felt guilty since I'm not working and, hence, not making the money around here. So I made a deal with myself: I'd save up money I made doing work for my father (he owns his own company and I do some work from home for him from time to time) and when I had enough to buy a bike, I'd buy it with that money. It made me feel better, since I felt like the bike was a splurge and DH doesn't splurge on anything for himself, so at least it would be a splurge paid for by "extra" money I made on my own.
Over the course of six months, I earned enough working for my dad to buy a decent entry-level road bike. It's not top of the line, but I figure I can always invest in a more expensive bike if I really get into racing and once I'm working again. But it is a great bike and I love it already. It has clipless pedals, which means you wear shoes with cleats on the bottom and "clip" into the pedals-- so your feet are actually stuck to the pedals (helps with efficiency) and you have to learn to clip out so you don't topple over when you stop.
I was scared about learning to ride a "real" bike, with the clipless pedals, but excited. And over the course of the past two months I've really gotten used to the bike and LOVE riding. My father and I used to ride together when I was much younger and it reminds me of those rides-- a special time we shared together-- and gives me the chance to ride with him again (we went out together a few weeks ago). I love having that shared interest with him. It also reminds me that I can do things that might scare me at first. Plus, I feel like a pretty bad@ss in my cleats, helmet, sunglasses, cycling jersey and gloves. And I love whizzing past guys.
This morning I went out on my first group ride-- a 55-mile ride that turned into a 60-mile ride because of a wrong turn-- and it was exhilarating. But the best part of the ride was who ended up riding with me. I got to the ride start and was a little intimidated to see that I was the only woman on the ride with a clearly VERY fast group of guys. But at the last minute before we left, a woman pulled up and got out with her bike. I didn't look at her closely but I did heave a sigh of relief and thought, "thank G-d there's another woman here!" It wasn't until I pulled up a little closer that she looked at me and said my name. It was a very, very dear friend of mine who I used to work with and who I had not seen in over two years. It was kind of an eerie irony that just a few days ago she sent me an email and we had been corresponding back and forth about triathlons, cycling, etc. In the course of the emails we both mentioned we were going to start riding with a group, but it never occured to us to compare notes as we don't leave that close to each other and I assumed she would be riding with a group closer to her house.
It turned out that we were the slowest in the group (those guys were not only fast, they were insane) so we rode the entire 4-hour ride together and had a chance to catch up. I really don't know what I would have done without her-- I would have been riding the entire way-- imagine farmlands and cornfields-- by myself and would have freaked out after missing the turn that we missed (and subsequently found-- but not until we stopped to ask a nice man who had a pickup truck and offered to drive us and our bikes back to the point where we missed the turn-off...yes, go ahead and yell at us for accepting a ride from a stranger but I would have NEVER done that by myself and not without knowing we both had our cellphones with us). So we had quite the adventure and a great ride. And it was so special to me to be able to catch up with her. I am not one to believe in "divine intervention" but I have to feel that someone was looking out for me today by sending her to a ride out of her area, the first group ride for both of us, on a ride where I would have ended up riding by myself if she wasn't there.
So my Show and Tell today is my new bike-- it's not only a bike, but it's taught me I can be strong and confident, learn new (kind of intimidating) things and it is the reason I ended up reconnecting with a very special friend today.
No Closure
So I went to the funeral mass for our neighbor and friend this week. I was hoping it would bring me some closure- or maybe more accurately some comfort or answers- because I just can't seem to shake this sadness that her death has brought. It's actually like our whole neighborhood is in a state of shock and mourning.
While it was comforting to come together with friends and support each other at this sad time, I left the service still haunted by the events of this past week, and now with a new sense of sadness because of the unforgettable sight of her husband and young children (especially her 8-year old daughter) following the pall into (and out of) the church, with such grief and pain in their faces. I don't think there are many things sadder than watching the young widower and children of a mother, and imagining what they face every morning when they wake up and realize that their wife and mother is no longer with them.
It's going to take a long time for the shock and sadness to wear off around here, but I do hope that the sense of gratitude that her death has brought sticks around for a long time. It's a crummy way to have to learn such an important lesson.
While it was comforting to come together with friends and support each other at this sad time, I left the service still haunted by the events of this past week, and now with a new sense of sadness because of the unforgettable sight of her husband and young children (especially her 8-year old daughter) following the pall into (and out of) the church, with such grief and pain in their faces. I don't think there are many things sadder than watching the young widower and children of a mother, and imagining what they face every morning when they wake up and realize that their wife and mother is no longer with them.
It's going to take a long time for the shock and sadness to wear off around here, but I do hope that the sense of gratitude that her death has brought sticks around for a long time. It's a crummy way to have to learn such an important lesson.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Heartbroken
I have a neighbor, L, who I became friendly with a little over a year ago when she was expecting twins. They were "surprise" twins...she and her husband have two older children (one going into kindergarten and the other already in elementary school) and wanted a third but were going to have three and four. She was excited, though, and we spoke a few times about preparations for twins, joining our local Parents of Multiples club, etc. And then the unimaginable happened: she went in for her scheduled c-section, a few days after a regular check-up that showed both babies doing well, and there were no heartbeats. She lost both twins at term. It was my worst nightmare and I felt so heartbroken for her. I saw her about 6 months after their passing and she was pregnant again, this time with a singleton. She told me that they never found any reason for the twins' stillbirth, except that they were identical and there was a chance it was twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome that went undetected or occur ed so quickly that it couldn't have been caught. So she was somewhat relieved to be carrying "just one" and mentioned that she'd be monitored more carefully this time and the baby would be delivered early just to be safe.
Earlier this week another neighbor friend of mine told me that the baby-- a girl-- was born healthy but that L was in ICU, sedated, because she had some serious complications from the birth related to hemorrhaging. And a few minutes ago I got the call to tell me she had passed away. I am in shock and heartbroken once again. How can one family have to endure two tragedies like this in a lifetime, never mind the course of one year? How can a husband and children live a normal, happy life after something like this? What can anyone do to help them cope with the pain?
I feel helpless. We didn't know the family well, but enough that I want to do something, even if just a token gesture, to let them know that L will always be remembered and that they have a community that loves them to help them through this horrible time and beyond. Nothing anyone can do will bring L back, I know that. But is there something we can do to show our support?
Earlier this week another neighbor friend of mine told me that the baby-- a girl-- was born healthy but that L was in ICU, sedated, because she had some serious complications from the birth related to hemorrhaging. And a few minutes ago I got the call to tell me she had passed away. I am in shock and heartbroken once again. How can one family have to endure two tragedies like this in a lifetime, never mind the course of one year? How can a husband and children live a normal, happy life after something like this? What can anyone do to help them cope with the pain?
I feel helpless. We didn't know the family well, but enough that I want to do something, even if just a token gesture, to let them know that L will always be remembered and that they have a community that loves them to help them through this horrible time and beyond. Nothing anyone can do will bring L back, I know that. But is there something we can do to show our support?
Saturday, May 17, 2008
The Highest Compliment
Tonight we took all three kids out to a nice dinner...DH had gift cards that had been sitting around forever and today we just said "why not?" and decided to take the whole fam to dinner. We never really thought twice about bringing the kids- they are well-behaved and we enjoy taking them with us to restaurants. We went on the early side because it was the only reservation available and, we thought, more likely to be "family time." In fact, when we got there, we were the only party with young children in tow.
Towards the end of our dinner, two older women who had been dining near us stopped by our table and one of them said, "I just wanted to let you know the two of you are wonderful parents. It is so refreshing to see children so well-behaved in a nice restaurant." The way she said it (and just judging by appearance) I assume she is someone who probably cringed when she saw us coming in the restaurant and being seated near her table. Her comment nearly brought me to tears. I have never in my life received a higher compliment.
Towards the end of our dinner, two older women who had been dining near us stopped by our table and one of them said, "I just wanted to let you know the two of you are wonderful parents. It is so refreshing to see children so well-behaved in a nice restaurant." The way she said it (and just judging by appearance) I assume she is someone who probably cringed when she saw us coming in the restaurant and being seated near her table. Her comment nearly brought me to tears. I have never in my life received a higher compliment.
Friday, May 9, 2008
WWYD?
This post has been sitting in my drafts waiting to be finished for a week now, so I have had some time to cool off but still feel angry about the whole situation...
I think I've vented about my sister-in-law before, but after what happened tonight at dinner, I feel a long-winded vent is well overdue and much needed if I want to be able to sleep tonight.
I'll start with the simple fact that I do NOT like my sister-in-law. I tolerate her because I love my husband and the rest of his family, and that means that I have to put a smile on my face and deal with her. I used to vent to DH about her, but I learned some time ago that it wasn't productive: while he agrees that his sister is more than a bit "off," you know the saying: blood is thicker than water, and when push comes to shove, it is still his sister. I think he used to be more "on my side" about the whole issue until she went through a "mental breakdown" about a year ago and she turned to him for support. He felt sorry for her (and probably a bit of pride in the fact that she trusted him enough to turn to him for support) and I saw a change in his attitude to much more defensive of her. When I'd make complaints about her, he'd say that I was only making the complaints because I didn't like her, and that in any other person I would tolerate or ignore the issue. I admit that I start with a bias because I JUST DON'T LIKE HER (for reasons I'll get into in a bit) but the issues I have are genuine and I'd have them with any of my friends if they acted like she does. I'd even have the issues with perfect strangers if they acted like she did.
In a nutshell, SIL is a self-absorbed know-it-all. Ask a question of someone at the dinner table with an area of expertise and she will pipe in with her "expert opinion" EVERY TIME, even if it's an issue she has no knowledge of and even if she is wrong. I think a lot of her personality stems from the fact that, based on what DH has told me about her teenaged years, she was shunned by the "in crowd" and in defense became "alternative" to convince herself and others that she didn't even want to be part of the in crowd. And then she went to law school, didn't do well and ended up never getting to practice law. She settled into policy work but lost about 5 jobs in the course of 3 or 4 years, from what I can tell due to the fact that she couldn't get along with her co-workers and many times couldn't do the work she was hired to do. So there seem to be a lot of insecurities there about being accepted and competent, and maybe her know-it-all attitude is part of that.
I will admit that a pivotal point in our relationship, and the point in time I think of as when I went from merely amused by her to actually disliking her, was at a dinner several years ago when DH and I were in the depths of fertility treatments. I think we had been through three or four rounds of IVF at the time and I was in a bad place myself. SIL is one of the "fertile myrtles" we all talk about, who has no clue (or at least doesn't act like she does) that it takes more than throwing away the BCP and one romp in the sack to get pregnant. Although I never talked to her directly about our struggles, she certainly knew about them. This particular night at dinner, DH leaned over to me about 15 minutes into the dinner and whispered a warning to me that his sister was pregnant. Sure enough, the waiter asks the table if they want wine and she says with much drama, "oh, no, I CANNOT drink wine tonight!" As in hint, hint, but I'm not coming out and saying it.
I appreciated DH's warning but it was too much for me, especially after the dramatic "I'm not drinking and everyone understands why but I'm not going to say it." I left the table and ended up in a sobbing mess in a bathroom stall. I can still remember the stall with vivid detail. I remember the horrible feeling with even more detail. After several minutes, I composed myself and came out of the stall to wash up and head back to the table. As I was washing up, who should happen to come into the bathroom but...you guessed it...SIL. She looked at me and said, "oh, I have to pee SOOOOO frequently...you know how it is." She knew at this point DH had told me she was pregnant. And the thought going through my head that I was too polite (because I'm a wuss) to say was "NO, B!TCH. I DO NOT KNOW HOW BADLY YOU HAVE TO PEE WHEN YOU ARE PREGNANT BECAUSE DESPITE THE FACT WE HAVE GONE THROUGH THREE FAILED CYCLES OF IVF, I HAVE YET TO EVEN EXPERIENCE A BFP." Instead, I mumbled something and headed out of the bathroom trying to hold back the sobbing that had I had just managed to stop moments before. Only now I was out in the open restaurant and couldn't even go back into my little stall to cry by myself.
So, needless to say, that moment sticks out as a defining moment in our relationship and shaped how I feel about her.
Regardless, even if things like this didn't happen, SIL is not someone I would have ever been friends with. She is a faux "intellectual" who talks about opera and international politics and art just to show off. She dresses funny. She has no girl friends (no friends at all, actually) except for two that live hundreds (one thousands) of miles away. She is a mommy's girl who is constantly whining to her "Mommy" (and yes, she calls her that in public.) In fact, she once had her mother come with her to a business conference because, in her words, "there's no way I could go on my own without my mommy!" (WTF?!) Mind you, she's a 36-year old mother of two. She immediately rubs people the wrong way when they meet her (my entire bridal party was ready to murder her after spending just 24 hours with her over our wedding weekend, and most of them had never met her before). I could go on and on with the stories about her troubling behavior. She's just not someone I'd ever spend time with if it weren't for the fact we are family.
Anyway, I have avoided up to this point any contact with her other than family gatherings. Unfortunately, DH's parents have a strong tradition of Friday night Shabbat dinners at their house (everyone is local) so I have spent almost every Friday night with her for the past 10+ years. And international vacations DH's family has been kind enough to take us on, until I drew the line and told him I just could not spend 24/7 in the same rented apartment as his sister. But again, I do it (1) because it's important to DH and (2) because I think it's special for our children to have a tradition of Shabbat dinners with their grandparents and extended family.
Tonight before dinner, DH was getting a bottle ready for the baby. Our son wanted to "help" and DH told him no, but he kept trying to reach for the bottle. SIL turns around, out of nowhere, and yells loudly, "NO!!!!" at our son. The look on his face made me want to cry myself- sheer confusion, then sadness, then the tears came. She scared the poor boy out of his mind. Immediately she knew what she did was wrong and out of line- MIL asked why our son was crying and she said "because I said something I shouldn't have." But no apology. I did everything possible to keep myself from knocking her upside the head (or at least screaming at her as loudly as she screamed at our son). I took our son aside and told her, "thank you, but I think we can handle discipline ourselves." I should have said so much more but I was so steaming mad and didn't want to say something I'd regret later.
This was all after I really made an effort to be cordial to her tonight-- asked her how her job was going, etc.-- but just like every other time I try to be nice and think that I can maybe even have a semblance of a relationship with her, she goes and does something like this.
I just don't know what to do. DH didn't bring it up after we left but was clearly annoyed with her. I've learned long ago not to talk about her to him because even though he recognizes she can be annoying, she is his sister, after all. And I just don't want to be the one pitting him against her. But what do I do- I have to see her almost every week, my MIL wants to get the kids together more often for playdates (I have some issues with her kids, too, namely they are starting to turn out like her but I do still love them), etc. Do I just continue to be cordial, but not friendly, and suck it up for the sake of DH? From my vantage point, that's my only option.
If you've made it this far, kudos to you. I needed to get this out and this post is mainly a venting mechanism. But if you've made it this far, what would you do?
I think I've vented about my sister-in-law before, but after what happened tonight at dinner, I feel a long-winded vent is well overdue and much needed if I want to be able to sleep tonight.
I'll start with the simple fact that I do NOT like my sister-in-law. I tolerate her because I love my husband and the rest of his family, and that means that I have to put a smile on my face and deal with her. I used to vent to DH about her, but I learned some time ago that it wasn't productive: while he agrees that his sister is more than a bit "off," you know the saying: blood is thicker than water, and when push comes to shove, it is still his sister. I think he used to be more "on my side" about the whole issue until she went through a "mental breakdown" about a year ago and she turned to him for support. He felt sorry for her (and probably a bit of pride in the fact that she trusted him enough to turn to him for support) and I saw a change in his attitude to much more defensive of her. When I'd make complaints about her, he'd say that I was only making the complaints because I didn't like her, and that in any other person I would tolerate or ignore the issue. I admit that I start with a bias because I JUST DON'T LIKE HER (for reasons I'll get into in a bit) but the issues I have are genuine and I'd have them with any of my friends if they acted like she does. I'd even have the issues with perfect strangers if they acted like she did.
In a nutshell, SIL is a self-absorbed know-it-all. Ask a question of someone at the dinner table with an area of expertise and she will pipe in with her "expert opinion" EVERY TIME, even if it's an issue she has no knowledge of and even if she is wrong. I think a lot of her personality stems from the fact that, based on what DH has told me about her teenaged years, she was shunned by the "in crowd" and in defense became "alternative" to convince herself and others that she didn't even want to be part of the in crowd. And then she went to law school, didn't do well and ended up never getting to practice law. She settled into policy work but lost about 5 jobs in the course of 3 or 4 years, from what I can tell due to the fact that she couldn't get along with her co-workers and many times couldn't do the work she was hired to do. So there seem to be a lot of insecurities there about being accepted and competent, and maybe her know-it-all attitude is part of that.
I will admit that a pivotal point in our relationship, and the point in time I think of as when I went from merely amused by her to actually disliking her, was at a dinner several years ago when DH and I were in the depths of fertility treatments. I think we had been through three or four rounds of IVF at the time and I was in a bad place myself. SIL is one of the "fertile myrtles" we all talk about, who has no clue (or at least doesn't act like she does) that it takes more than throwing away the BCP and one romp in the sack to get pregnant. Although I never talked to her directly about our struggles, she certainly knew about them. This particular night at dinner, DH leaned over to me about 15 minutes into the dinner and whispered a warning to me that his sister was pregnant. Sure enough, the waiter asks the table if they want wine and she says with much drama, "oh, no, I CANNOT drink wine tonight!" As in hint, hint, but I'm not coming out and saying it.
I appreciated DH's warning but it was too much for me, especially after the dramatic "I'm not drinking and everyone understands why but I'm not going to say it." I left the table and ended up in a sobbing mess in a bathroom stall. I can still remember the stall with vivid detail. I remember the horrible feeling with even more detail. After several minutes, I composed myself and came out of the stall to wash up and head back to the table. As I was washing up, who should happen to come into the bathroom but...you guessed it...SIL. She looked at me and said, "oh, I have to pee SOOOOO frequently...you know how it is." She knew at this point DH had told me she was pregnant. And the thought going through my head that I was too polite (because I'm a wuss) to say was "NO, B!TCH. I DO NOT KNOW HOW BADLY YOU HAVE TO PEE WHEN YOU ARE PREGNANT BECAUSE DESPITE THE FACT WE HAVE GONE THROUGH THREE FAILED CYCLES OF IVF, I HAVE YET TO EVEN EXPERIENCE A BFP." Instead, I mumbled something and headed out of the bathroom trying to hold back the sobbing that had I had just managed to stop moments before. Only now I was out in the open restaurant and couldn't even go back into my little stall to cry by myself.
So, needless to say, that moment sticks out as a defining moment in our relationship and shaped how I feel about her.
Regardless, even if things like this didn't happen, SIL is not someone I would have ever been friends with. She is a faux "intellectual" who talks about opera and international politics and art just to show off. She dresses funny. She has no girl friends (no friends at all, actually) except for two that live hundreds (one thousands) of miles away. She is a mommy's girl who is constantly whining to her "Mommy" (and yes, she calls her that in public.) In fact, she once had her mother come with her to a business conference because, in her words, "there's no way I could go on my own without my mommy!" (WTF?!) Mind you, she's a 36-year old mother of two. She immediately rubs people the wrong way when they meet her (my entire bridal party was ready to murder her after spending just 24 hours with her over our wedding weekend, and most of them had never met her before). I could go on and on with the stories about her troubling behavior. She's just not someone I'd ever spend time with if it weren't for the fact we are family.
Anyway, I have avoided up to this point any contact with her other than family gatherings. Unfortunately, DH's parents have a strong tradition of Friday night Shabbat dinners at their house (everyone is local) so I have spent almost every Friday night with her for the past 10+ years. And international vacations DH's family has been kind enough to take us on, until I drew the line and told him I just could not spend 24/7 in the same rented apartment as his sister. But again, I do it (1) because it's important to DH and (2) because I think it's special for our children to have a tradition of Shabbat dinners with their grandparents and extended family.
Tonight before dinner, DH was getting a bottle ready for the baby. Our son wanted to "help" and DH told him no, but he kept trying to reach for the bottle. SIL turns around, out of nowhere, and yells loudly, "NO!!!!" at our son. The look on his face made me want to cry myself- sheer confusion, then sadness, then the tears came. She scared the poor boy out of his mind. Immediately she knew what she did was wrong and out of line- MIL asked why our son was crying and she said "because I said something I shouldn't have." But no apology. I did everything possible to keep myself from knocking her upside the head (or at least screaming at her as loudly as she screamed at our son). I took our son aside and told her, "thank you, but I think we can handle discipline ourselves." I should have said so much more but I was so steaming mad and didn't want to say something I'd regret later.
This was all after I really made an effort to be cordial to her tonight-- asked her how her job was going, etc.-- but just like every other time I try to be nice and think that I can maybe even have a semblance of a relationship with her, she goes and does something like this.
I just don't know what to do. DH didn't bring it up after we left but was clearly annoyed with her. I've learned long ago not to talk about her to him because even though he recognizes she can be annoying, she is his sister, after all. And I just don't want to be the one pitting him against her. But what do I do- I have to see her almost every week, my MIL wants to get the kids together more often for playdates (I have some issues with her kids, too, namely they are starting to turn out like her but I do still love them), etc. Do I just continue to be cordial, but not friendly, and suck it up for the sake of DH? From my vantage point, that's my only option.
If you've made it this far, kudos to you. I needed to get this out and this post is mainly a venting mechanism. But if you've made it this far, what would you do?
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Mother Runner
First of all, thank you to everyone who chimed in with advice on the insurance/billing issue. I'm waiting to hear back from my letter to the billing office, but in the meantime I am going to get all of the records from my insurance company from that cycle and look into getting a RN case manager to help me untangle the mystery so I am prepared when the hospital comes back to me with an answer.
I just got back from my first trip away from all three kids- and really my first extended trip away at all since I've had kids- to return to Boston to run the 2008 Boston Marathon. For those unfamiliar with the world of distance running, Boston is like the Super Bowl of running. The Stanley Cup. The Olympics. Runners must qualify to run with a certain time except for a few runners who run for charity causes. Boston is not just a marathon- it is an experience. Running Boston has always been the highlight of my entire year. This was my fifth time running Boston but only my first since having children, and I have to say that this particular time was one of the most memorable experiences for me for a number of reasons.
First, my finishing time (three hours and sixteen minutes) was almost a personal record for me- I have only run two of my eleven marathons faster than that, and one was Chicago (which is fast and flat anyway) and the other was an earlier Boston that I finished only seconds faster than my time yesterday. I felt better through the run and feel better today (I honestly feel like I could go out for a run) than I can ever remember feeling after any marathon with the exception of the one I ran "slowly" to help pace my husband so he could finish in his own goal time of under four hours. I don't know if I should attribute that to better training- I ran much more in my training than I used to, especially because I knew after giving birth almost six months ago I couldn't rest on shoddy training- or if my body is somehow stronger now that I am older.
Or maybe it's the inspiration my children gave me on this run. Every time I thought of slowing down, I'd see little kids on the side of the road, offering their hand for a "high five," and I'd think of our twins saying "Mommy run" (that's what they say every time they see a runner out on the roads). I'd think of the day they'll come up to Boston with DH to cheer me on. And I'd run just a little faster. I'd feel a little stronger.
I was reading an article in the Marathon program about last year's Boston Marathon women's wheelchair champion, Wakako Tsuchida from Japan. Tsuchida had a child seven months before her victory in 2007 and felt that
"giving birth has made her body stronger. 'Being a mother an an athlete means so much to me. To succeed in both roles, I need to seek a balance. I find that I train harder so I can spend more time with my son.' She is not the only elite athlete and mother to suggest that having a baby improved her athletic performance. Paula Radcliffe, the world record-holder in the marathon, won last year's ING New York City Marathon seven months after giving birth to a daughter, and stated afterward that giving birth made her a better runner."
While I don't know if the physical act of giving birth (especially because my children were all born by c-section, so I can't claim that the pain of a marathon is nothing compared to vaginal delivery!) has made me stronger, I do think that living my life for my children has given me such a sense of purpose and determination that I have become more focused and balanced.
The second reason this was such a memorable trip was that it reminded me what it's like to be on my own schedule again. I hadn't realized how much I had forgotten what that was like until I actually had a weekend with no one to answer to but myself. I went to bed when I wanted to (sadly, that was 7:30 p.m. the first night I was there, as I had been up since 3:30 a.m.!), decided what activities to do during the day, left the hotel within five minutes of deciding I wanted to leave, walked as fast as I wanted, ate what I wanted (in peace!) and when I wanted. I hadn't done that in over two years and it felt so foreign.
I won't lie- I loved the freedom of being on my own for a weekend. But I also can't deny that I missed my family terribly. Every little kid I saw reminded me of our own. I watched, teary-eyed, as I saw other runners walking around over the weekend and after the race, with their children. I got choked up when I saw little kids holding signs that said "Go Mommy" or "Go Daddy." I talked about my kids (and DH!) to as many of the other runners who would listen. I called home A LOT.
Another reason this trip was special was that I had a chance to meet-- in person-- someone I consider one of my closest friends but who, amazingly, I had never met in person until this weekend. We met on an online infertility discussion board four years ago and she's been one of my biggest supporters and inspiration through everything we've gone through over the years. It was so special to be able to meet her (and her sweet and funny DH) in person. Giving her a hug was really a highlight of the weekend. I also got to meet up with another "online" friend (who I had met before when I went to run Boston in 2005) and a friend I used to work with while I was practicing law. Reconnecting with all of these friends reminded me how lucky I have been to have such amazingly strong, inspirational women in my life.
Over the weekend I thought a lot about the differences between the last Boston Marathon I ran in 2005 and this year's race. In 2005 we were in between our fourth and fifth round of IVF. The race was a way for me to recover a little bit of who I was before we started going through infertility hell. I was poorly trained (thanks to having gone through a cycle just a few weeks before the marathon and lots of extra pounds complements of the injectible meds) and in a very negative state of mind. It showed in my finishing time (the worst of all of my 11 marathons) and in my condition at the end of the race (barely in one piece). This time I was really at peace and in the "right place," both physically and mentally. It's amazing what a difference a few years can make.
I just got back from my first trip away from all three kids- and really my first extended trip away at all since I've had kids- to return to Boston to run the 2008 Boston Marathon. For those unfamiliar with the world of distance running, Boston is like the Super Bowl of running. The Stanley Cup. The Olympics. Runners must qualify to run with a certain time except for a few runners who run for charity causes. Boston is not just a marathon- it is an experience. Running Boston has always been the highlight of my entire year. This was my fifth time running Boston but only my first since having children, and I have to say that this particular time was one of the most memorable experiences for me for a number of reasons.
First, my finishing time (three hours and sixteen minutes) was almost a personal record for me- I have only run two of my eleven marathons faster than that, and one was Chicago (which is fast and flat anyway) and the other was an earlier Boston that I finished only seconds faster than my time yesterday. I felt better through the run and feel better today (I honestly feel like I could go out for a run) than I can ever remember feeling after any marathon with the exception of the one I ran "slowly" to help pace my husband so he could finish in his own goal time of under four hours. I don't know if I should attribute that to better training- I ran much more in my training than I used to, especially because I knew after giving birth almost six months ago I couldn't rest on shoddy training- or if my body is somehow stronger now that I am older.
Or maybe it's the inspiration my children gave me on this run. Every time I thought of slowing down, I'd see little kids on the side of the road, offering their hand for a "high five," and I'd think of our twins saying "Mommy run" (that's what they say every time they see a runner out on the roads). I'd think of the day they'll come up to Boston with DH to cheer me on. And I'd run just a little faster. I'd feel a little stronger.
I was reading an article in the Marathon program about last year's Boston Marathon women's wheelchair champion, Wakako Tsuchida from Japan. Tsuchida had a child seven months before her victory in 2007 and felt that
"giving birth has made her body stronger. 'Being a mother an an athlete means so much to me. To succeed in both roles, I need to seek a balance. I find that I train harder so I can spend more time with my son.' She is not the only elite athlete and mother to suggest that having a baby improved her athletic performance. Paula Radcliffe, the world record-holder in the marathon, won last year's ING New York City Marathon seven months after giving birth to a daughter, and stated afterward that giving birth made her a better runner."
While I don't know if the physical act of giving birth (especially because my children were all born by c-section, so I can't claim that the pain of a marathon is nothing compared to vaginal delivery!) has made me stronger, I do think that living my life for my children has given me such a sense of purpose and determination that I have become more focused and balanced.
The second reason this was such a memorable trip was that it reminded me what it's like to be on my own schedule again. I hadn't realized how much I had forgotten what that was like until I actually had a weekend with no one to answer to but myself. I went to bed when I wanted to (sadly, that was 7:30 p.m. the first night I was there, as I had been up since 3:30 a.m.!), decided what activities to do during the day, left the hotel within five minutes of deciding I wanted to leave, walked as fast as I wanted, ate what I wanted (in peace!) and when I wanted. I hadn't done that in over two years and it felt so foreign.
I won't lie- I loved the freedom of being on my own for a weekend. But I also can't deny that I missed my family terribly. Every little kid I saw reminded me of our own. I watched, teary-eyed, as I saw other runners walking around over the weekend and after the race, with their children. I got choked up when I saw little kids holding signs that said "Go Mommy" or "Go Daddy." I talked about my kids (and DH!) to as many of the other runners who would listen. I called home A LOT.
Another reason this trip was special was that I had a chance to meet-- in person-- someone I consider one of my closest friends but who, amazingly, I had never met in person until this weekend. We met on an online infertility discussion board four years ago and she's been one of my biggest supporters and inspiration through everything we've gone through over the years. It was so special to be able to meet her (and her sweet and funny DH) in person. Giving her a hug was really a highlight of the weekend. I also got to meet up with another "online" friend (who I had met before when I went to run Boston in 2005) and a friend I used to work with while I was practicing law. Reconnecting with all of these friends reminded me how lucky I have been to have such amazingly strong, inspirational women in my life.
Over the weekend I thought a lot about the differences between the last Boston Marathon I ran in 2005 and this year's race. In 2005 we were in between our fourth and fifth round of IVF. The race was a way for me to recover a little bit of who I was before we started going through infertility hell. I was poorly trained (thanks to having gone through a cycle just a few weeks before the marathon and lots of extra pounds complements of the injectible meds) and in a very negative state of mind. It showed in my finishing time (the worst of all of my 11 marathons) and in my condition at the end of the race (barely in one piece). This time I was really at peace and in the "right place," both physically and mentally. It's amazing what a difference a few years can make.
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